Ask Annalisa BarbieriFamilyWe want children and he has been having therapy since his first arrest, but I’m scared he will be jailed or his urge will get out of control again. Annalisa Barbieri advises a reader

My husband and I have been married for almost three years. We are of different cultural backgrounds: he is European and I am Asian. Shortly after our wedding, he was arrested for voyeurism. Since then, we have been having therapy and have discovered his undiagnosed autism. We both want children and my parents-in-law are very supportive. But although we are having fertility treatment, he was arrested again a few weeks ago. Our relationship is strong and we decided to see our counsellor more often.

What I don’t dare to bring up in our conversation is my fear of him being a role model as a father. I am scared that he will be jailed or his “urge” will get out of control again. My parents and family are far away and none of these facts has been disclosed to them. I feel guilty hiding the truth, but I fear their judgments. I can’t stop wondering if I was blind to all these things that happened under my nose.

You may have been blind before; we can all suffer from not seeing things that happen right in front of us. But you aren’t now. In your shoes, I would think really carefully about bringing a baby into this relationship, at this time. So carefully that I wouldn’t do it.

You – rightly – have too many doubts and I think you have an inner voice that you should listen to. When we don’t dare “bring things up”, it is usually because we know it will shine a light on areas we are trying to ignore. But you have to ask yourself how long you can ignore this for.

Although you gave me no more detail than is contained here, it is vital to say that what your husband has done is not consensual voyeurism (watching other adults, with their consent) but illicit. If it were consensual, but you weren’t part of it, this would raise different questions. But the fact that he has twice been arrested tells us that his behaviour is unlawful. You may want to look at the legal definition of section 67 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003. The legal definition is here.

Part of the thrill for illicit voyeurs is watching people – adults or children – without their knowledge or consent. It doesn’t have to be watching them do something sexual. You didn’t give me more detail, so I am not sure if you know more but didn’t want to say, or don’t know. If the latter, I would strongly advise you to arm yourself with facts and not be fobbed off.

This illicitness immediately takes it into a different arena, not only because he is indulging in illegal acts but also because of the impact on you and any children you may have. If you were to have a child together and he were caught again, the chances of social services being involved is high.

I spoke to Krystal Woodbridge, an experienced sexual and relationship therapist (cosrt.org.uk). She was keen to know if your husband was “working with a specialist [with regard to the therapy] because this is very important, especially when dealing with sexual urges which take people outside of the law.” A conventional relationship therapist will not do here. I would add that the therapist should be experienced in dealing with people with autism.

Woodbridge says: “If you have children and your husband is arrested again, you need to consider that social services may get involved. Even if he’s not a risk to children, they may still want to make an assessment. The non-consensual part of this is the key thing. He is on the other side of the law. You have to very seriously think about exposing yourself and your child to the risk.”

Let’s face it, even if he is not caught, do you want to bring a child into this situation?

You mention his autism but I wasn’t sure if you were trying to explain away his behaviour – it is important that you don’t make excuses for his voyeurism. You may find the National Autistic Society (autism.org.uk) helpful.

Woodbridge advises: “You need to decide on boundaries, what lines you don’t want crossed, and your husband has to understand that crossing these has consequences.”

As to whether you discuss this with your wider family, that is up to you, but Woodbridge thinks it is “interesting that you feel guilty about not telling them”. You are entitled to privacy in your relationship, but I feel you need support and wonder if there is someone you can trust? “Family members will have opinions,” says Woodbridge, “and may well judge, but you do need a source of support.” She recommends Stop So (stopso.org.uk), an organisation that deals with sexual offenders and offers support to families. I would urge you to contact them, even if your husband doesn’t want to.

Woodbridge said that voyeurism, which can be regarded in this case as a compulsive sexual behaviour, “can be treated successfully but you have to ask yourself how much you are prepared to take on”.

You have some tough decisions ahead. In your place, I would ask myself some hard questions, I would press pause on the fertility treatment and contact the organisations listed to discuss your situation in more detail and in confidence. This situation is not going to get less complicated by adding a child, only more so.

Your problems solved

Contact Annalisa Barbieri, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU or email annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence

Follow Annalisa on Twitter @AnnalisaB

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